dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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