She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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