You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Everclear isn't food dammit
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
