I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
