everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
