my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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