Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
What did we do last night that was yellow?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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