Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
