I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize