I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
