can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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