You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
