If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
