So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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