It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
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To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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