I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
