My hand turned me down
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
