i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
