This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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