Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie