Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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