She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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