Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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