Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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