Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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