just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
