Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
