Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
