I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
