Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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