my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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