The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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