I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
