I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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