So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
