my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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