New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
