I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
