so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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