Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
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