i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
