Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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