Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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