I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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