god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
