Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I see more hoeing in ur future
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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