Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
