is your mom at the bar?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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