My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
