wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
