hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
