When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
