I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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