Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
