I could have mohawked her pubes.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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