I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
