Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Randomize
